What are our defining moments — the ones that broke us or the path we carve to get to the light at the end of the tunnel? Maybe that’s entirely up to us. I am healing from so many things.. I sit with them with no release and that’s what this journal is for; a medium that’ll allow me to let go this one last time before I leave it behind me. Apart from typical family pains, my ex illegally withheld my sons from me and my partner the start of 2020, they didn’t get to meet their baby sister for a while. It was beyond me when I called, texted and contacted his family. They blocked me altogether. I received a letter from the court stating he tried to send my boys away without me knowing. My lawyer and I talked about contempt, to me there really was no credible reason for his behavior against me except for self-interest (money) and revenge from what had transpired between us before. The beginning of the case was in my favor because I didn’t cast the first stone, his mother puppeteered his actions to secretly sue me, 18, we were so young.. He lost that case since they had lied and then he lost me. Not by his cheating I kept to myself because of embarrassment from friends, our social circle, especially because both girls were well known in our community, once before and after the pregnancy. No one knew the demons he created in my head, my self-worth deteriorating as I sit at home with a newborn in my arms and he at hers. Sweating palm bullets because I’ve kept this to myself for years. When I finally had the courage to break it off, friends coaxed me out into reality. I couldn’t have primary custody while enlisting, years I’ve tried to keep this memory buried — regretful of this entire military plan forced onto him and I by our parents. Without the boys I didn’t know how to be alone so I sunk into the sins of my nectar until I couldn’t feel anymore. This newfound “freedom” felt more like punishment, I’d go to work then come home so lost and empty. I didn’t know how to be without them, all lights were kept on while Netflix played in my bedroom and living room. I searched for company in anyone who’d give it and when I started putting myself out there more, people in our circle started treating me differently. I heard the things he told people, he saw me confident again and chose to completely tear me down and obliterate my reputation with exaggerations, withholding what he’d done to provoke me. A rift between family had cost me my apartment. Around this time of my life, I would sleep in my car when I stayed in an abusive relationship, as he held my financial situation over me. I was failing college, terrified and directionless with no one to guide me. So it was always “she’s a terrible mess” when I was barely holding my head above water, with a stubborn co-parent who wouldn’t meet me halfway no matter how much I begged. On top of family issues, a failed path in the military and the mess he initially created amongst other things, the odds were severely stacked against me — doomed from the start. They kicked a horse who was already months into a carcass. How? Why? Will I ever recover from this? Before I knew the military plan would fall through I moved to a different city to enlist National Guard where I met my current partner. I finally had career stability at Tesla then my ex completely cut me off. I’ll never forget, the way my oldest son was visibly excited to meet his baby sister then never seeing their faces again after that. I could cry about it now because I was pregnant while he did this and I was afraid the stress affected me badly. It was another traumatic experience, have I not already gone through enough? As if he hands them out to me like free flyers at the market. It no longer affected just me, his coldness was affecting two innocent boys and their baby sister. He never answered the court as to why he did this to me, no explanation whatsoever but I get to see the boys any time and he goes to jail if he ever tries to send them to Philippines ever again without my knowledge. I sat with myself this whole year registering ALL of it. This is how I recovered, I was unburying what I didn’t want to remember. I needed to be brave in order to sit with the echoes of my past by feeling it all over again. I cried, howled screaming in my pillows somehow thinking the pain will leave this way. I did everything; holistic, therapy, medications, nature, spirituality. I can’t continue holding this grudge against anyone and myself, this trauma made me mentally strong and focused but will eat away at me if I don’t let go. I can’t hate anyone or hate what had to happen to me, we are all just completely different people now and their karma’s are not up to me. What helped me the most was time, all that’s left is release for it to come to a close. I didn’t finish just a chapter, rather a whole book, defining moments in form of a series. My next book? Prosperity.